I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
