shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
