if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
