how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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