UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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