for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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