dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
