when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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