bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think my fart just growled at me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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