And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
