in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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