Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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