First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
