I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
