theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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