I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
