Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
