two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
