I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
