If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
if only i could text you this smell
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
