it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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