Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
