i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
