I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like death gave me a hand job
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
