he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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