we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
