he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
