She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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