the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize