I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
