Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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