It's Friday. Sex?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
