she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
