It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
