I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
