From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize