I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
