when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
