I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
