I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
