oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
