Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
