I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
