The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
