he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
