Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
