I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Randomize
