Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
