I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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