Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
