She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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