that's an acceptable place to lick
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
