dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
