Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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