weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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