he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
