Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
