we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
